I dont know how to start this.. my last blog was 2 years ago.. so much death and dispair has happen in my life..
i watched my mother die. i lost the one i love so much. 
 jsut im numb now.
my ms has become worse. i got git by a car two weeks ago. and last week almost gettin hit again!  i havent beeen out sid emy house. i miss the gym.. no one is there to help me.. every one says im stronmg. but how can u be strong after
You ristser past away,
 two months later my mom past away, and i had to watch her die.
my step dad passes away and me and lily wa sleftout to know whats going on about anything.
im not strong no more.
i notice when i go out side
theres always someting out there to hurt me..
 i pray
i do my best to be a mother,
but gettin hit by that car and again almost getting hit..
i cant stand al this..
i jsut wanna sleep. 
i dont wanna die, just sleep untill every one and everything is done trying to take me down.
i have no family to turn to.
i have no one to reach out to.
i dont want to be a burden.
 but im here inside.
im not stuck
i just cant take no more in

Im shy

I have not had a crush in so long...
i been rejected b4,
it dont feel nice when they dont feel the same way.
but u will never know cuz, u dont have the gutts 2 admit it..

I wish we could do it old school n send him a note
I LIKE YOU, DO YOU LIKE ME 2?
CHECK (YES) (NO)..

his vib is so comforting and welcoming also
his voice, his eyes, his smile!...
and he has his mind rite.
he has this ....this......  I DONNO WAT IT IS CUZ I NEVER FELT LIKE THIS!

im a grown ass woman, shouldn't it be simple for  us?

It only gets harder,
i dont wanna creep him out, i dont want him to think any ill thoughts.

HOw would i be like " hey yo~! ya you! come here, i like you so i think maybe we
can kick it a lil more"

i say the most dumbiest shyt to when he is around me..
i know i shouldnt talk about a ex but dang i dotn try 2 n i hat e my ex so god damn much and im so god damn happy he is outta my life..


but i say dumb ish..........

i feel like a fool

my star

I smile every time she says mom or please or hugs me.
i love being a mother.
thought i was missing some thing i always wanted,
when she was rite there.
with her lil hand reaching out to me,
wanting my love my hugs kisses and to be right beside me..

she gave me the stability i been looking for, 
her naps and bed time with the books.
and signin twinkle twinkle little star..

Im going to become better a mother,
better then the mother i had..

I love you so much Sasha!

Lyfe is funnie..
u seem to be on top of the world,
n one person can ripp all of that away,
and there im left standing,
wondering why is he doing this to me?
i never cheated lied or had any head games.
i cooked,
i cleaned
i gave him good loving.
but i was not good enough to be just his love,
he wanted and did share what i thought was mine,

I broke it off,
was kinda hard..
I did learn that when some one tells you they love u right away,
its a sing to run like crazy!
 He took so much from me and did me wrong,
now bugging me to come back home..
 I just don't understand why is he doing this to me?
Stop beggin me back
why would i wanna hurt again? why would i wanna lose 
allot of my life, just for u to go and mess mine up..


i rather be alone,

I just want some one good to come and wrap there arms around me..

We day dream, to get out of our reality that we face every day.
just close your eyes, u can go any where do any thing be beside some one you never had tha nerv to tell dem you diggin dem,
I my self have some one who keeps me smiling every time im feeling down, i think of his smile, then i start to feel warm all around..
But here i rather sit on my own. knowin it ant worth goin threw dis alone. but strong enough to carry on and hold on to what i have. 
me my child and positive thinking and positive actions will only make positive reactions happen..
I suffer daily, in pain,

i make it threw, 
the look in my childs eyes when she looks at me and that there tells me to keep fighting and keep going on and being a good mom..
I dont know what a good mom is , i never had one. only seen them on tv,
it would just be nice to have some one who is 100% 4 me and like always i stay 100% 4 dem. 
I just want a family,
i knwo everything dont work otu how we like it but its worth trying i guess.
i been hurt lied to used chated on .. 
im still strong enough to know there is a good man out there who is 100% worth my time my cookin my clean home my takin care of the house while u do ur thang. 
I m lost in space.. day dreaming again i guess

gettin to be to much

you know when you go out of your way to please some one and its not good enough?
have a man but its liek iam standing alone and he lets me know iam standing alone,
r needs paid for
and that he will just pay for what ever has to be paid for..

iam stress can i bet i cant rest

being a mother

i need to get this off my chest,
some thing that bothers me every day,
why did i give my kids way?
i had no one to help me no one to trun to, after the fire i didnt know what to do,
that fire showed me i have no one and i am utterly alone
i want my babies with me but thats only a dream..
i think everyday what if i had them where would i be now?
am i a bad person?
i look at my self and think HELL FUCK YEAH ! U LEFT UR KIDS BEHIND!
no one understands why, cuz i dont nether,
every one thought i was out having fun but a man took so much controle over me i didnt care, i gave up on my self!
that was the first time i couldnt hold my own,
b4 my babies i was this rugged bad ass bytch not giving a shyt about my own life nore others, if i seen my self walkin down the street i wouldnt give m self eye contact...

i didnt things to get that i want, i sold dope @ 14 and walked around like i was the queen!
robbed, beat up people stabbed people, for the fact that for me then it was fun.

i didnt go to school i didnt care, let alone my mother didnt care nether at least welfare was giving her money for me, nore did she buy me cloths or feed me right.. didnt have to go to school.. all i had was the street,, the hard cold cement was the onlhy thing that could hold me down ...

now iam 28 not 8 no more iam a mother that fucked up big time, still them kids are mine!
regarless as any one says i am there mother!
i am a good person now, i care about others, i care, i love, i protect!
iam germaine and no one out there can say the same